Tuesday, September 15, 2009

PRIDE is like BAD BREATH. . . .


I saw this saying today while reading a devotional on line. . ."Pride is like bad breath. . .everyone knows you have it, but you!" How true that is! I remember when the Lord revealed that spirit of pride to me! I was floored! I was on my face praying and asking God to "GET IT OFF ME!!" And He was faithful to remove it! I can't tell you how thankful I am!

As I was reading this statement God began to show me just how DEEPLY true this statement is! Let's look at one of the biggest causes and think about how it may apply to us spiritually:

Accumulation of plaque on the teeth is a major cause of bad breath.

**Plaque is a result of improper or lack of CLEANSING. Have you ever been in a hurry and took about 20 seconds to brush your teeth? As long as they did not feel like they were wearing little sweaters any more you were good! I've done it! But were they REALLY clean? Or was it just enough to make them FEEL clean and put a minty scent in your mouth for a little while? YOU felt better about it anyway, right? How often do we do that in our walk with God? Just a quick confession of sin, a quick trip to the altar and we have cleaned it up a little bit. . . enough to cover the stench of sin. . .the stench of pride. . . and make us feel better . . . for a little bit. When what we really need is to get before God and let him SCRUB all over, especially in the 'hard to reach' places, that may take a little more time and effort, and where the traces of pride and sin love to hide and try to go unnoticed! Have you ever had a dental cleaning? Call me weird, but I LOVE going to the dentist for cleanings! Yes, sometimes it irritates, sometimes it downright hurts, and a lot of times you bleed. . .but when that Hygienist is finished, you KNOW that your mouth is CLEAN! We need to allow God to do that to us regularly. Get in there and dig and scrape and get us completely clean and free of pride. Then, He can polish us up and make us SHINE!
If plaque is allowed to stay, it WILL cause tooth decay! DECAY! When the sin of pride is allowed to stay in your life, through denial or just ignoring it, it does not lay dormant. Oh no, it is not the same pride you covered up and ignored a year ago. . .it slowly but surely eats away and damages and destroys!

Recently I had to have a tooth extracted. I had only been having a toothache for about a week before I went to the dentist. But because I had not been for my regular cleanings( because of lack of insurance), some decay had gotten in at the back side of a molar up near the gum line between the teeth. So I was not aware of it. Because I had not had an EXAMINATION, and allowed the dentist to get in there and really look around for problems, it progressed to the point of having to have it extracted. I was not happy! While I love getting dental cleanings, I am not a fan of having to have CORRECTIVE PROCEDURES performed. It took them an HOUR to get this tooth out and they had to cut it in 3 pieces to get it out because the roots were not letting go! it turned into a traumatic oral SURGERY! Dental procedures have always proven to be painful to some degree during the actual procedure, at the very least uncomfortable. . .and there was usually an aching and tenderness afterward for a while as the area heals. . . Are you keeping up with the spiritual side of all of this? I hope so because this is GOOD! Is it fun to have let pride get to the point of having to have a CORRECTIVE PROCEDURE implemented by the Holy Spirit? Of course not! It means there has to be humility, admission, asking forgiveness, righting the wrongs, and then healing begins! If it has been let go for a long period of time, believe me, your breath is repelling a LOT of people! I am talking about PRIDE now! It repels and makes those in it's path sick to be around you. Have you ever talked with someone who has all kinds of dental decaying all over their teeth?? It not only smells horrible, but it looks hideous! Do we look hideous spiritually? If you have allowed pride access to live and grow within you, you do! I am not trying to be harsh, I am speaking from experience! The only people it doesn't look hideous to, is those who look just like you! Like the couple who both have rotten teeth! Misery loves company! Have you ever had a sin that plagued you over and over and you just could not seem to get past it? Once you found someone else who struggled with the same thing, all of a sudden you felt a lot better, and the struggling against it stopped. All of a sudden you felt like you were OK because so-and-so looks just like you (spiritually) and they have this ministry or do that ministry. We need to open our eyes and hearts and allow God to show us the TRUTH of our spiritual condition and stop trying to deny it and point fingers at everyone else.

Ask GOD if your breath stinks! And then be prepared for an honest answer!! Then let him get out his brushes and floss and picks and scrapers. . . and GET IT OUT OF YOU, OFF OF YOU, AWAY FROM YOU AS FAR AS IT CAN GO! It may be uncomfortable, or even painful at times, and yes even humiliating to realize others saw it all along and have been repelled by it. But when He is done scrubbing, scraping, digging, drilling and EXTRACTING, let Him get that polisher out and buff you up to a nice SHINE! Then smile, because you are reflecting Him!

2 Corinthians 7:1
THEREFORE, SINCE these [great] promises are ours, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that contaminates and defiles body and spirit, and bring [our] consecration to completeness in the [reverential] fear of God.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

ARE YOU MOVING?


The words popped off the outside back cover of the latest ministry magazine. It wasn't the front cover. No one wrote an article on it. The magazine was just laying on the coffee table. But there it was, right next to the form you would fill out if you were moving to a new address. But God had something to say! ARE YOU MOVING?

Initially I thought, "Lord, we are all moving. We are going to church, and we are involved in this ministry or that ministry. . ." "ARE YOU MOVING?" I had to sit and think for a minute and then God spoke to me and said, "Andi, much of my Church is spinning it's wheels. They are ministering and reaching out to those who already know Me. Some of that is needed, but there is a world of people dying and going to Hell! And the Church is initiating yet another 'program' or 'ministry', that only reaches as far as the four walls of the building." OK, now I had to start taking inventory of my own life, and even though I have opened myself up and made myself available in my everyday life to be His hands, His feet, His voice to the world around me. . .I KNOW there is so much more.

Jesus gave us The Great Commission in Matthew 28:18-20, and I love how it reads in the Message Bible:
Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."

He said 'GO OUT'. He did not say sit in the church and wait for them to come in. I hate to tell you, but they are not coming in unless you GO OUT and bring them in! That is MOVING! ARE YOU MOVING? We have this treasure, this great, wonderful, fulfilling, life giving, full-of-love, astounding, AMAZING TREASURE called salvation. A LOVING, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with the Creator of the Universe! If it means as much to us as we say it does, if it is as wonderful as we say it is, I have just one question. . . ARE YOU MOVING?? Because the Kingdom of God is only advanced as much as WE move forward, as the Body of Christ!

Hey everyone! I have an announcement to make!! I'M MOVING!!! Who's with me??

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

HE IS CHEERING US ON!


On our way home from a job this morning, I was doing my usual gazing out the window and having my own private conversation with God, when we passed a local pool. Being before noon, it was a very familiar sight for me to see the rope floats stretched across the length of the pool marking off the individual swim lanes for the swim team practice that morning. As a young teenager my summers were spent getting up at 6:30am every weekday to be at swim practice by 7am, and swimming countless laps in the pool until around 9:30 or 10am. . . or until our coach felt we had put forth the effort he knew we were capable of. As I stared out the car window at this pool, memories of swim practices, and swim meets came to mind. I was constantly working hard to beat pool records for my age group everywhere we went, and usually succeeded. I was a fish! And I loved competitive swimming with a passion!

One particularly wonderful experience came to mind this morning as we passed that pool. I believe I was 13 or 14 years old spending the summer with my Dad in Chicago and swimming on the team there. We were in a swim meet against a team that we knew we probably would not beat as they were a Triple A team, and we were not. But we agreed to the meet on an off Saturday for both teams just to challenge us, and most likely to amuse them.

Surprisingly, the meet was a very close one throughout, and we were all shocked that we were doing so well against them, and also pushed to do our very best by the sheer closeness of the scores. The very last event would determine the winner and was the 13/14 girls Medley Relay. That is where you have 4 people from each team swimming a relay race that involves each of the four swim strokes. Usually the order was Butterfly, Backstroke, Breaststroke, and Freestyle. The last swimmer doing freestyle is usually the strongest swimmer, and that was always my position. I was a fish I tell ya!

The race started and through each swimmers course the Triple A team gained more and more of an advantage. By the time my teammate hit the wall signaling me to take off, the other teams anchor was 3/4 of the way to the other side, and just had to flip-turn and come back to win. Diving in the water to race I knew we had lost, but was determined to close the gap on the distance between their swimmer and me. At least I wouldn't be swimming for what seemed like an eternity when the competition was well out of the water! I made it to the other side and flipped, taking advantage of my underwater time and dolphin kicking my way to almost the middle of the pool coming back. As I surfaced into my front crawl and took a breath, I heard loud cheering. With the next stroke I peeked up as I took a breath without losing my momentum, to see my whole team, coaches and parents at the end of my lane shouting and jumping and cheering me on. It confused me for a second until my next stroke when I saw under the water that I was actually neck and neck with this other swimmer!! I couldn't believe it! I was moving like a bullet in that water and leaving that girl. . . that triple A team girl. . . in the dust!

I flew past her to touch the wall and before I knew it I was being hoisted out of the water by my coaches and surrounded by my teammates cheering and hugging me and patting me on the back. What a day that was! I will never forget it!

And as I thought about that moment I smiled at how good it felt to have my whole team cheering me on as I raced to the finish line, and when the race was won, how we celebrated a great victory that by all standards we should not have won. . . I heard His still small voice. . ."I am cheering for you Andi, every day, with every challenge, in this race you are running for Me. I am at the finish line cheering you, encouraging you. . . and I am behind you, pushing you, strengthening you, giving you the ability to keep at it! I am there celebrating with you the victories! Hugging you, patting you on the back, letting you know 'I knew you could do it'! Your life is like that race Andi. And the victory is yours, and I am there cheering you on every step of the way! Keep swimming! Keep pushing! Keep moving forward! You've got this! WE've got this!"

What a wonderful, WONDERFUL God we serve!! He is cheering us on brothers and sisters!! He is rooting for us, and assuring us the victory!! He is strengthening us and giving us the ability, and then cheering us on until we reach that finish line!! Stay with it!! Don't give up!! It doesn't matter what the circumstances look like. . . you are destined to WIN!

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

THE SHACK


After reading The Shack and being touched and moved so deeply in my own intimate relationship with God, I understood that at one point in the book we are faced with a decision. A decision to let our minds go "tilt" and completely shut them off at that point to any possibilities that God may want to say something significant to us in the deepest part of our hearts, or to keep reading and open our hearts to Him and allow Him to show us just one of the infinite facets of His personality and deepen our relationship and knowledge of Him as a loving and caring and gentle Father. Papa. I chose the latter, while asking the Holy Spirit to walk with me through the reading, and am sooooo thankful I did! My relationship with Him has been absolutely revolutionized. My love for Him has deepened considerably as well as my capacity to BE LOVED by Him! Our communication has increased a thousand fold!! And the freedom I have found to be what and who He has created me to be has burst forth in my life in an amazing flurry of joy and peace and Love!!

I HIGHLY recommend this book. Ask God to speak to you and guide you as you read and discover the heart of your Father.

As I was looking online for more on The Shack I found a letter from a Pastor. Rev. Lawrence Rae. A time of prayer that he had with God, and God's response to him. BEAUTIFUL!



Lawrence - to Papa

Lord, The Shack, struck a chord deep within my heart. I heard you speak in such "human" terms I was wildly blessed. I believe the portrayal of you, although totally inadequate to your Ultimate Being, was a vividly clear expression of your merciful interface with us common folk. I loved you deeply, emotionally, radically in this book. Thank You for encouraging Paul to write it.



Papa - to Lawrence

You are right when you speak of the inadequacy of this, or any other book to display ‘all’ of My person, character and glory. I AM…and there is none beside Me.

I am not a kind, black woman, a wraith, or an elderly, rather tall and slim white man. But Paul touched My being by faith and what flowed out of his collaboration with his friends is definitely a work of the Spirit. As We watched and heard and saw the oozing out on paper of Our love and joy and laughter; Our power and delight, Our mercy and grace and Our overall creativity, We were delighted with the substance of the text. So narrow a volume - so wide an expanse of thought and devotion.

It won’t be liked. It won’t be tolerated. It will be loved or despised. As each reader first steps across the threshold of the Shack, they will have an opportunity, granted by Me, to be deeply offended. As their hearts reel at the possibility of God stepping down as far as a big black hug, they will either be un-stumbled and touch the Son at Calvary, knowing the wounds also engraved in My wrists, or they will sentence themselves to a bounded vertical relationship; a ‘thus far and no farther’ tension that never squeals with glee as I tickle them unmercifully or never groans deep within as I press my fingers into the open wounds of their own broken souls.

Knowing Me is the goal. Paul knows Me. Better still, I know Paul, and I have trusted him enough to reveal a little of Myself to him. How do you like Me now?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

His Name is Faithful and True!


I have really put off sharing this new blog. . .mostly out of embarrassment. . .not really wanting to publicize my spiritual shortcomings. But clearly that is pride trying to intervene, and by sharing I hope to uproot that ugly thing! Those I have shared this story with already have told me how much they needed to hear it, and how much it blessed them, so here it is:

Last week my husband and I were facing a dire financial crisis on Thursday that as the day went on and his efforts to "fix" it failed, looked bleaker and bleaker. Now, as a person of faith, and an intercessor for our church, I KNEW what to do. . . BUT, what I did was the exact opposite! I focused on the crisis, and allowed myself to become overwhelmed and I laid in bed and cried and fretted. . . ALL DAY! What a mighty warrior I was! What a faith giant! hmph! I went through so much in my head that day that I gave myself a headache and a stomach ache! My nerves were completely shot!

Needless to say, at the end of the day, despite my huge lack of faith, GOD CAME THROUGH!! He is Jehovah Jireh, our PROVIDER! That is His COVENANT Name (one of them), and we are in a COVENANT relationship with Him! He is FAITHFUL even when we are faithless!!

2 Timothy 2:13 (Amplified Bible)

If we are faithless [do not believe and are untrue to Him], He remains true (faithful to His Word and His righteous character), for He cannot deny Himself.

So, that night, after exhausting myself with worry, I slept really soundly. The next morning, with the weight of the financial burden lifted, I went to the kitchen to make breakfast and as I opened the refrigerator door to get the eggs out I was whistling. Suudenly He spoke in my spirit so strongly, "Having a good day daughter?" I smiled, "Yes, I am Lord! Whew! Yesterday was a bad one wasn't it?" He answered, "Yes, it was for you wasn't it?" I stood still, I knew something was coming. . . "Andi, was I not your Provider yesterday as much as I am today?" OUCH!! Then He continued, "Isn't faith the SUBSTANCE of things HOPED for and the EVIDENCE of things not YET seen? (Hebrews 11:1)" At that point I breathed out and could not seem to breathe back in again, the heaviness of that statement hit me so hard! "Where was your faith in Me daughter? Why did you fret? Am I not your Father? Have I not always been faithful? Have I EVER let you down?" At that point all I could do was stand there with the refrigerator door open and cry!! He has NEVER let me down! Even in the bleakest of times He has ALWAYS come through for me! He has proven His faithfulness to me time and time again! Yet here I was looking at the situation instead of the ANSWER. . . . HE is the ANSWER. . . . and allowing it to break me down to the point of not being able to get out of bed!! "I am so sorry Lord." That was all I could say. And at that moment I felt such a warmth and amazing Love surround me. It was OK. I learned, it was over, and my Daddy was holding me in His arms and loving me like no one else can! He is FAITHFUL and TRUE!! Trust Him in whatever it is that you are facing today!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Mathematical Probability that Jesus is the Christ


My Pastor shared all of this with us last night at church and I am still trying to wrap my mind around it! AMAZING! So amazing that I HAD to share with you! It's a little long but you will be so amazed at the facts in this article!! Skeptics. . . TAKE NOTE!

Mathematical Probability that Jesus is the Christ
(original article at www.biblebelievers.org.au/radio034.htm)

Long-time listeners know, that in addition to broadcasting this program, I pastor a tiny church, manage a computer bulletin board, and a national conference on the network, called BIBLE BELIEVERS.

Most of our programs, feature current comments from the BBS; often questions and answers. I'd like share a message from the InterNET by David Williams, Computer Systems Manager, for the Mathematics Faculty, at the University of Newcastle.

I think you'll find this edifying. Now remember, David Williams is a mathematician. In this post he's responding to a Jewish user from Melbourne. His subject is: Jesus and Prophecy. Here's what he says:-

"In a recent followup to a posting by Leslie Brown I said I'd make a post detailing the probability of Jesus fulfilling Old Testament prophecy by chance. Here it is!

The reason why prophecy is an indication of the divine authorship of the Scriptures, and hence a testimony to the trustworthiness of the Message of the Scriptures, is because of the minute probability of fulfillment.

Anyone can make predictions. Having those prophecies fulfilled is vastly different. In fact, the more statements made about the future, and the more the detail, then the less likely the precise fulfillment will be.

For example, what's the likelihood of a person predicting today the exact city in which the birth of a future leader would take place, well into the 21st century? This is indeed what the prophet Micah did 700 years before the Messiah. Further, what is the likelihood of predicting the precise manner of death that a new, unknown religious leader would experience, a thousand years from now - a manner of death presently unknown, and to remain unknown for hundreds of years? Yet, this is what David did in 1000 B.C.

Again, what is the likelihood of predicting the specific date of the appearance of some great future leader, hundreds of years in advance? This is what Daniel did, 530 years before Christ.

If one were to conceive 50 specific prophecies about a person in the future, whom one would never meet, just what's the likelihood that this person will fulfill all 50 of the predictions? How much less would this likelihood be if 25 of these predictions were about what other people would do to him, and were completely beyond his control?

For example, how does someone "arrange" to be born in a specific family?

How does one "arrange" to be born in a specified city, in which their parents don't actually live? How does one "arrange" their own death - and specifically by crucifixion, with two others, and then "arrange" to have their executioners gamble for His clothing (John 16:19; Psalms 22:18)? How does one "arrange" to be betrayed in advance? How does one "arrange" to have the executioners carry out the regular practice of breaking the legs of the two victims on either side, but not their own? Finally, how does one "arrange" to be God? How does one escape from a grave and appear to people after having been killed?

Indeed, it may be possible for someone to fake one or two of the Messianic prophecies, but it would be impossible for any one person to arrange and fulfill all of these prophecies.

John Ankerberg relates the true story of how governments use prearranged identification signs to identify correct agents:

David Greenglass was a World War II traitor. He gave atomic secrets to the Russians and then fled to Mexico after the war. His conspirators arranged to help him by planning a meeting with the secretary of the Russian ambassador in Mexico City. Proper identification for both parties became vital. Greenglass was to identify himself with six prearranged signs. These instructions had been given to both the secretary and Greenglass so there would be no possibility of making a mistake. They were: (1) once in Mexico City, Greenglass was to write a note to the secretary, signing his name as "I. JACKSON"; (2) after three days he was to go to the Plaza de Colon in Mexico City and (3) stand before the statue of Columbus, (4) with his middle finger placed in a guide book. In addition, (5) when he was approached, he was to say it was a magnificent statue and that he was from Oklahoma. (6) The secretary was to then give him a passport.

These six prearranged signs worked. Why? With six identifying characteristics it was impossible for the secretary not to identify Greenglass as the proper contact (John Ankerberg, John Weldon and Walter Kaiser, "The Case for Jesus The Messiah", Melbourne: Pacific College Study Series, 1994, 17-18).

How true, then, it must be that Jesus of Nazareth is the Messiah, if he had 456 identifying characteristics well in advance, and fulfilled them all! In fact, what does the science of probability make of this?

The science of probability attempts to determine the chance that a given event will occur. The value and accuracy of the science of probability has been well established beyond doubt - for example, insurance rates are fixed according to statistical probabilities.

Professor Emeritus of Science at Westmont College, Peter Stoner, has calculated the probability of one man fulfilling the major prophecies made concerning the Messiah. The estimates were worked out by twelve different classes representing some 600 university students.

The students carefully weighed all the factors, discussed each prophecy at length, and examined the various circumstances which might indicate that men had conspired together to fulfill a particular prophecy. They made their estimates conservative enough so that there was finally unanimous agreement even among the most skeptical students.

However Professor Stoner then took their estimates, and made them even more conservative. He also encouraged other skeptics or scientists to make their own estimates to see if his conclusions were more than fair. Finally, he submitted his figures for review to a committee of the American Scientific Affiliation. Upon examination, they verified that his calculations were dependable and accurate in regard to the scientific material presented (Peter Stoner, Science Speaks, Chicago: Moody Press, 1969, 4).

For example, concerning Micah 5:2, where it states the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem Ephrathah, Stoner and his students determined the average population of BETHLEHEM from the time of Micah to the present; then they divided it by the average population of the earth during the same period.

They concluded that the chance of one man being born in Bethlehem was one in 300,000, (or one in 2.8 x 10^5 - rounded),

After examining only eight different prophecies (Idem, 106), they conservatively estimated that the chance of one man fulfilling all eight prophecies was one in 10^17.

To illustrate how large the number 10^17 IS (a figure with 17 zeros), Stoner gave this illustration :

If you mark one of ten tickets, and place all the tickets in a hat, and thoroughly stir them, and then ask a blindfolded man to draw one, his chance of getting the right ticket is one in ten. Suppose that we take 10^17 silver dollars and lay them on the face of Texas. They'll cover all of the state two feet deep. Now mark one of these silver dollars and stir the whole mass thoroughly, all over the state. Blindfold a man and tell him that he can travel as far as he wishes, but he must pick up one silver dollar and say that this is the right one. What chance would he have of getting the right one? Just the same chance that the prophets would've had of writing these eight prophecies and having them all come true in any one man, from their day to the present time, providing they wrote them in their own wisdom (Idem, 106-107).

In financial terms, is there anyone who would not invest in a financial venture if the chance of failure were only one in 10^17? This is the kind of sure investment we're offered by god for faith in His Messiah.

From these figures, Professor Stoner, concludes the fulfillment of these eight prophecies alone proves that God inspired the writing of the prophecies (Idem, 107) - the likelihood of mere chance is only one in 10^17!

Another way of saying this is that any person who minimizes or ignores the significance of the biblical identifying signs concerning the Messiah would be foolish.

But, of course, there are many more than eight prophecies. In another calculation, Stoner used 48 prophecies (Idem, 109) (even though he could have used Edersheim's 456), and arrived at the extremely conservative estimate that the probability of 48 prophecies being fulfilled in one person is the incredible number 10^157. In fact, if anybody can find someone, living or dead, other than Jesus, who can fulfill only half of the predictions concerning the Messiah given in the book "Messiah in Both Testaments" by Fred J. Meldau, the Christian Victory Publishing Company is ready to give a ONE thousand dollar reward! As apologist Josh McDowell says, "There are a lot of men in the universities that could use some extra cash!" (Josh McDowell, Evidence that Demands a Verdict, California: Campus Crusade for Christ, 175).

How large is the number one in 10^157? 10^157 contains 157 zeros! Stoner gives an illustration of this number using electrons. Electrons are very small objects. They're smaller than atoms. It would take 2.5 TIMES 10^15 of them, laid side by side, to make one inch. Even if we counted 250 of these electrons each minute, and counted day and night, it would still take 19 million years just to count a line of electrons one-inch long (Stoner, op. cit, 109).

With this introduction, let's go back to our chance of one in 10^157. Let's suppose that we're taking this number of electrons, marking one, and thoroughly stirring it into the whole mass, then blindfolding a man and letting him try to find the right one. What chance has he of finding the right one? What kind of a pile will this number of electrons make? They make an inconceivably large volume.

This is the result from considering a mere 48 prophecies. Obviously, the probability that 456 prophecies would be fulfilled in one man by chance is vastly smaller. According to Emile Borel, once one goes past one chance in 10^50, the probabilities are so small that it is impossible to think that they will ever occur (Ankerberg et. al., op. cit., 21).

As Stoner concludes, 'Any man who rejects Christ as the Son of God is rejecting a fact, proved perhaps more absolutely than any other fact in the world (Stoner, op. cit., 112).'

God so thoroughly vindicated Jesus Christ that even mathematicians and statisticians, who were without faith, had to acknowledge that it is scientifically impossible to deny that Jesus is the Christ. our thanks to David Williams, a mathematician who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Last century, a lecturer on Russian literature, Carlyle, Emerson, Tolstoy and others discovered the amazing mathematical design in the Bible, firstly in the Greek, and later in Hebrew. He found that the Bible is divisible by seven in 56 DIFFERENT ways. This was Ivan Panin, author of 'God's Amazing Seal', the 'Numerical Bible' and 'The Inspiration of the Scriptures Scientifically Demonstrated'.

Applying the same criteria to the books of other religions, Panin proclaimed 'No order at all; and not of God'. He discovered that everything in God's creation: animal, vegetable, or mineral, has a unique mathematical signature.

Yes, sir, God so thoroughly vindicated Jesus Christ the unbeliever will be speechless at the judgment. But Jesus Christ was sent to Israel at the end of their dispensation, when their denominations were apostate. And God is no respecter of persons. He promised to reveal and vindicate Jesus Christ to us Gentiles at the end of our dispensation, when our denominations are apostate.

God never leaves Himself without a witness. Jesus said, 'As it was in the days of Lot, so will it be when the Son of man is revealed' by the same Sign which vindicated Him to be Messiah in the days of His flesh.

Now, in the days of Lot, the Gentile civilization was in a Sodom condition. Homosexuality was rampant. Before God sent Fire from heaven which destroyed them, He sent three witnesses to those who claimed to be His Own. Two went and preached to Lot's group, the nominal, worldly church down in Sodom.

Our Gentile civilization is in a Sodom condition. God's sent two witnesses to the nominal church of the world: a Billy Graham and Oral Roberts. The world knows about it. By the great ministry of these God-given men, He's shaken the nations. They performed no miracles. Only blinded a few eyes. Preaching the Gospel blinds the unbeliever.

But, remember, the word 'CHURCH' means, "called out." Abraham had separated himself from all that. The third One stayed behind and talked with Abraham, who called Him 'LORD'. That was God. Read your Bible; Abraham called Him, capital, "L-O-R-D", Elohim, "Lord God." Abraham fed Him the meat of a calf, milk of a cow, butter, and cakes. He ate it. And He was Elohim.

He stayed with the elect Church. He never went down to the church in Sodom; He came to the called out, the elected church: Abraham.

He was a stranger. And while He was talking, He said, 'Abraham'. Now, remember, He NEVER called him Abram. Just a few days before that, his name had been changed from Abram to Abraham. He said, "Abraham, where is Sarah (not Sarai, Sarah, her new name - which had been changed just a few days before)? Where is Sarah, thy wife?"

He was God, veiled behind the flesh of a created Man, and He proved He was the Word by discerning the thoughts and intents of Abraham and Sarah's heart. That's the Messianic Sign.

God veiled Himself behind the virgin-born flesh of Jesus Christ and discerned the thoughts and intents of the people's hearts to vindicate that in him dwelt the fullness of the godhead bodily.

You'll remember, Jesus told Peter his name - and the name of his father. When Jesus discerned Nathanael's heart, Nathanael called Him 'Elohim' ... Lord. So did the little prostitute at the well, when Jesus told her all about herself.

Jesus said this would repeat in our day, just before God destroys all life by Fire from heaven. In this day He veiled Himself behind the flesh of a sinner saved by grace, revealing 'Jesus Christ the same, yesterday, and today, and forever' - discerning the thoughts and intents of people's hearts around and around the world, before congregations of up to 500,000; healing the sick, restoring sight, raising the dead, and casting out demons.

This is the last Sign promised to the Gentiles. And God vindicated His Word in the ministry of the late William Branham. His ministry restored the apostolic faith, finished the mystery of God, and is now calling the wise and foolish virgin out of Babylon; bringing His elect into oneness with the word and maturity for the manifestation of the Sons of God and the translation.

God vindicates His Word so thoroughly, and not in a secret place. Will you search the Scriptures to recognize YOUR day and ITS Message.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A GREAT FALL


I took what I like to call a prayer hike today. The weather is absolutely beautiful! We have acres of woods behind our house and I like to go in there and follow the deer paths and talk to God and listen and explore His creation as I do. I was just in those woods last week hunting deer sheds (the antlers that the bucks lose in early Spring), but this week something was drastically different. Just a few hundred yards into the woods I noticed that it looked like a tornado had touched down in one spot and lifted back up, leaving downed trees and broken branches in it's wake. I had not remembered any big storms coming through, so I decided to investigate further, climbing over huge tree trunks, weaving in and out of tangled branches. . . I am such an explorer at heart! I loved every minute of it! But as I investigated I came to the origin of all of this destruction. One HUGE tree had fallen. As it fell it took out other trees in it's path, big and small. Large branches were literally ripped from some of those trees that managed to stay standing. And as the smaller trees fell, they took out even smaller trees, and ripped branches from other trees on their way down. As I surveyed the destruction I could see the pattern of the falling trees and how each one affected another, and how it all went back to the huge tree that fell first. I knew we had no wind storms recently that would cause that tree to fall, so I went to where it had come out of the ground. It looked as if the roots had weakened and lost their grip. The whole root system that was still intact was above the ground and laying sideways with the tree. Then I looked at the base of the tree. You could see inside the trunk of this tree because the inside of it was hollow. Rotted away. The tree was weak, even though when it was standing it looked strong and towered over the other trees majestically. I thought of a message my Pastor had shared with me about trees, and then his message last week about those who build on the rock and those who build on the sand.
Matthew 7:24 “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: 25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
26
“But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: 27 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”

Those were the words I heard when I looked at the tree. . ."And GREAT was it's fall". I had never thought about this at the time of my Pastor's preaching of this message, because I was busy setting things right in my own heart, but when we fall. . . we have the capacity to be taking out many others as we go, and injuring even more! The fall is GREAT because there is so much death and destruction that reaches far beyond just ourselves. It reaches our families, our friends, anyone that God uses us to minister to as we walk out our destiny in Him. It can destroy and kill another person's relationship with God! Let's all be sure we are building on the Rock, Who is Jesus Christ!! Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else!!


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

MIRACLES. . . THATS MY GOD!


A few weeks ago a good friend of mine from Cahokia, IL. where I used to live and go to church, sent me an email asking for prayers for her Pastor. When I lived there he was the Associate Pastor, and now he is pastoring the church. Anyway, it was a possibility that he had brain cancer. The doctors had located a growth and thought it was possibly a tumor. They would be running tests and determining if it was cancer. SO we went to prayer! =)This morning I got an update and GOD IS SO GREAT! Of course there is no cancer, it has turned out to be a cyst. But that is not the absolutely AMAZING thing!! When they did a scan of his brain they found that the back half of his brain is NOT THERE! The space is filled with water. It turns out that when he was in his mother's womb he had a flash stroke and it affected the development of his brain. Here is the amazing part. . . the doctors cannot figure out how he can SEE! The part of the brain that controls sight is GONE! He should have been born blind!

Psalm 139:13 (Amplified Bible)For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb.

Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! GOD CONFOUNDS THE WISE YET AGAIN!


Sunday, January 11, 2009

NOT SO RANDOM THOUGHTS. . .


Written November 26, 2008

This morning I was cleaning a customer's house, the kitchen more specifically, and I could hear the mom reprimanding her two young sons for fighting. I think the boys are about 8 and 6 years old. I smiled when I clearly heard one of them turn on the water works to try to drum up some pity, while the other one blamed his little brother for ALL of it and tried to make himself come out smelling like a rose. I listened as the mother sternly and clearly talked with the boys about playing together and the importance of forgiveness when the disagreements do occur, and she gave them some simple guidelines to help them to work out their disagreements before they blow up into a fight. I stood there frozen in time, looking around the kitchen at their half empty cereal bowls on the counter, the lone soccer cleat hidden under the breakfast bar along with a few baseball cards and the dog's chew toy. . .the art work they had done at school proudly on display in various parts of the kitchen, and an array of notes, permission slips, and anouncements of holiday happenings they had brought home scattered on the counter top. This was a familiar place to me. Not this house, but this scene, and it seems as though it was just yesterday. My boys art work was hanging on the refrigerator, their sports shoes and equipment finding it's place everywhere but in the mud room where it belonged, and the bickering and fighting that even the closest of brothers do at that age. . .at any age. I thought to myself in amazement, "Where did the time go? How did we get here so fast?" I tell mother's of little ones this all the time. . . savor every moment, because it FLIES by!

I remember people telling me that too, but I never realized how true those words were. I have two "children" who are already parents themselves, raising little ones of their own. I also have one son who is almost 21, a United states Marine, and on his way to Afghanistan in the next few months, and my baby boy, a Senior in High School! Where did the time go? I found myself staring at their art work on the refrigerator today, in this customer's house, wishing with everything in me that I could go back, that I could somehow turn back the hands of time to when they were little and do it all again. When my customer came in the kitchen to apologize to me for the "scene" her boys made, I assured her that she needn't apologize, and I explained to her that if I could go back to when my kids were that age again, enjoy their childhood all over again, and not have to face my son's deployment right now, I would do it in a heartbeat! As I spoke to her my voice cracked and all of my attempts to hold back the tears failed. She stood in her kitchen with me and cried with me!

Some of my customers are just amazing people! She cried for me and what I will be facing in the coming months, and she cried for her, and her son's who will one day very very soon be grown up too. This life is just a breath! And I for one, am not wasting a minute of it!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MARINE MOM WHEN. . .


You Know You Are A Marine Mom When...

1. Your last good night's sleep was 6 months before he left for bootcamp.

2. You have finally resigned yourself to the fact that Marine mail is delivered seasonally rather than daily.

3. Your Marine gives you ironing tips.

4. Your Marine's version of pneumonia is "It's just a cold, I'm fine."

5. You realize the Marine Corps' cure-all is Motrin.

6. The mere word "deployment" has you on the phone refilling your Xanax.7. You can't quite figure out what non-Marine mothers worry about.

8. You finally realize that Drill Instructors are not the anti-Christ and are more like heroes.

9. You've mailed at least a few packages that have been on around-the-world tours.10. You forgot there were TV stations other than Fox News.

11. You find yourself bragging to friends about your Marine's accuracy with an M-16.

12. You will get in a high speed chase just to catch up with someone's Marine Corps bumper sticker.

13. When everything in your closet has Marine Mom on it and if it doesn't, you put pins and yellow ribbons on it.

14. When you recognize the haircut and ask if you can have a hug because your son is deployed.

15. Someone says to you "My son has a high ASVAB and a great GP so after he leaves PI for CL and finishes his MOS at the SOI he is going to try for MSG." and it makes sense to you.

16. When you don't mind watching military movies even though you hated them growing up.

17. You tell your nephews they need a "high and tight".

18. You and your husband buy a "good" flagpole for the front yard for Christmas and fly the American flag and the USMC flag 24/7, lighted, and money is no object.

19. You buy cadence CDs and listen to them when you power walk.

20.Your friends and family always start conversations with "How is the boy?"

21. You make sure to get up early to watch the Rose Bowl Parade so you can see the Marine Band.

22. You tear up every time you see someone in uniform.

23. When you have no small children, but you search toy stores for Marine G.I. Joes and buy them.

24. When the post office personnel and mailman both know you by your first name.

25. When your son is in Afghanistan and you dial his cell phone so you can hear his voice on his outgoing message.

26. When you always know what time it is in Iraq or Okinawa or San Diego.

27. Your son has the ability to iron his own shirt...while he is wearing it!

28. You don't mind the long lines at the post office because you are NOT leaving until you get that care package mailed to your Marine.

29. You BEG his life-long best friend to do a "Tommy impression" and then everyone eats his favorite foods.

30. When the phone rings you don't answer it unless the caller ID shows it is your Marine and then you run over husband, cats, dogs, small children and little old ladies to answer the phone, no matter what injuries any of them might sustain in the process.

31. You purchase Marine shirts for grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews.

32. You have a bad day at work and your co-workers serenade you with the Marine Hymn and give you a red rose and the whole office is crying.

33. Your son, who had such a messy room growing up that it was a health hazard, informs you on a visit home that you flunked inspection because of a little dust.

34. When your Marine calls YOU for information because he knows you'll get it from the other moms online.

35. When watching the West Wing you care nothing about the plot, you are just peering closely to see the Marines in dress blues at the White House.

36.You are mopping the kitchen floor and your son walks in and says "You call that cleaning?"

37. You have a blue star banner proudly displayed in your picture window.

38. You search military websites for any news of where your son might be/has been.

39. Your email has the Iwo Jima background, an animated American flag, a "We Support Our Troops" yellow ribbon icon and plays the Marine Hymn in a continuous loop.

40. When you try to read aloud to others the "You know you are a Marine mom when..." list you can't because of the lump in your throat and the tears in your eyes.

41. You taped the Marine's Toys for Tots commercial where the little boy tells the Marine "you really are Santa Claus" and you cry every time you see it.

42. Your weather check page includes Doha, Kuwait, Baghdad, Okinawa and San Diego.

43. You stalk a man at the grocery store in a Marine cap so you can tell him about your Marine.

44. You find a way to work into every conversation that your son is a Marine."Would you like to supersize that ma'am?" "No, but speaking of super, did you know that my son is a Marine?"

45. You have to move a pile of priority mail boxes, bubble wrap, and "special: to be shipped" items to sit down in the living room.

46. You leave a special message to your Marine in your outgoing voicemail/answering machine."If this is Tommy, I miss you and I love you!"

47. You stand in the checkout line with a cart full of Easy Mac, protein bars, and Roth's donuts and people stare at you and wonder what kind of strange diet you are on.

48. You sleep with your phone in your hand.

49. The new sacker at the grocery store puts your bread in the bottom of the bag and you ask to see his Sergeant.

50.Your boss asks if you are finished with your project and you say "good to go sir!"

51. You go out to your mail box with your reading glasses and a letter opener.

52. You wait for what seems like years for that first phone call from Iraq and then when you miss it by going out for the newspaper you lay on the floor and sob uncontrollably.

53. You don't really "sweat the small stuff". Just that fact that your Marine is in the same hemisphere is enough to make you do the happy dance.

54. You insist that your Marine wear his uniform to have a family portrait taken at Sears Photography Studio.

55. Your idea of a dream date is R. Lee Ermey.

56. The proudest moment in your life is when your son calls and tells you he is the most hated DI in the platoon.

57. You tell your family that "chow" is on the table.

FROM SIFTING TO SHIFTING

Written
October 16, 2008

Luke 22:31-32 (New King James Version)
And the Lord said, "Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren."

Sift - 1 a: to put through a sieve b: to separate or separate out by or as if by putting through a sieve2: to go through especially to sort out what is useful or valuable
That word "sift" is interesting. It implies the use of a sieve. After the harvest was brought to the threshing floor, the farmers had to separate the wheat from the chaff, or foreign matter. Part of the procedure involved a process known as sifting. The farmer put the wheat or corn into a sieve. By means of a shaking process, the smaller objects – the kernels of wheat, for instance – were worked to the bottom of the sieve and fell through the mesh onto a prepared place on the ground. From here the cleaned wheat was collected into containers, while the chaff and other rubbish still in the sieve was discarded. Essential to this sifting, sorting process was the shaking of the sieve.

SHAKING is the perfect word to describe my life in the past few months. It seems as if I have had an onslaught of attacks from every side! Have you ever been in a place like that? I think it is the one place in our lives that can make us or break us where our walk with God is concerned. I have been in the place of sifting. Did you notice something about those verses? First of all Jesus tells Peter that Satan wants to sift him as wheat, BUT he assures Peter that he has prayed for him. What an amazing assurance! Jesus is praying for us as we go through the sifting! BUT, notice what He says next. . ."And when you have returned to Me. . ." What? Satan is going to sift him. . .Jesus has prayed for him. . . . To return to Him, must mean he was going to depart from Him. . .from his faith. Jesus knew Peter would depart from his faith, even if it was for a short time.


Sometimes we do that too. We may not walk away from God, but we fail in our faith. We deny Him in our words, our actions, our attitudes and in our relationships with others! I do it. . . you do it. . .Sunday School teachers do it. . . Pastors do it. . . you get my point, we are all guilty at one time or another of succombing to the sifting.


Taking a closer look at the process, sifting is not always a bad thing. It is meant to separate the wheat from all the other useless junk. It's a shaking, that's for sure, and definitely not fun. But the end result is that we are made more useful, we lose the "junk" that was holding us back. We become more purified.


Now look at the last thing Jesus said to Peter here. . ."Strengthen your brethren!" There is a qualifying that comes with the sifting!! He can now be used to strengthen his brothers in the faith! He goes from the SIFTING to the SHIFTING! Here we see a man whose faith was tried and he failed, who was sifted and then returned to his Faith and the SHIFT began! He began a great ministry to the world! He strengthened his brothers and they spread the Gospel all over the place!! They started the Church of Jesus Christ!!


Since I have spent more than the past month in sifting and have returned to Him, here begins the SHIFT! God is moving, He is moving ME! He is moving IN me and THROUGH me and so many will be strengthened because of my sifting, because the "junk" was shaken out of me!!
It sure makes you look very differently at those who are struggling with sin and their faith than what you are used to seeing them as. Instead of that poor, weak sinner, we see a mighty work in progress!! We see the sifting and can soon anticipate a shifting!! My shift is happening even as I write this!! The sifting has been hard, and the enemy would like nothing more than to re-sift and re-sift me, but the time of sifting is over and I am SHIFTING!! Just watch what God does now!!

MILITARY MOMS

The Bonds among Military Moms are bonds that no other Moms could share or understand.

It is a bond that can never be broken or torn. It is now and always.

We are Marine,we are Army, we are Navy and we are Air Force. We are the American Military Moms.

We have raised the best of the best. The Proudest of the Proud.

We have sisterhood,that no one can understand. It is the sisterhood of the Military Moms.

We cry at night,we worry 24/7 and we miss everyday. We also are Proud all year long.

When one hurts, we all hurt. When one cries, we all cry. When one is happy, we all are happy. When one is dancing, we all dance. When one is in Pain,we share the Pain. When on has a Homecoming, we all rejoice just to see them Smile.

Our Favorite color is yellow,we love our yellow ribbons & bows. Just look at our yards and home.

But most of all we Love our Red,White and Blue. It is a symbol of our Pride for our Children. And we will defend it to the end together as our bond among each other and what we share together.

We defend our children's choices and respect their jobs. Knowing deep down inside our hearts break for not having our children near.

We sacrifice more than any other mom could ever without even getting a simple little two words, "Thank You."

We miss sleep, we stay at the post office, we live by the phone, we watch the TV and stay close to the computer.

We are Military Moms. We are Proud, we are Strong, we are Special and we are Growing each day.

We share a sisterhood that is the best sisterhood in the World.

This is the Bond of the Military Moms.

I Love You All Semper Fi Now and Always !!
Unknown Author

THE UNITED STATES MARINE

The average age of a Marine is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances, is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's, but he has never collected unemployment either.He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old car and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk. He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rife in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark. He can recite to you the nomenclature of a M-16 or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.He digs foxholes and la trines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is told to stop, or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity. He is self-sufficient.He has two sets of camies; he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometime forgets to brush his teeth, but never his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothers, and fix his own hurts.If you are thirsty, he will share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food. He will even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low. He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life---or take it, because that is his job.He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death than he should have in this short lifetime.He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed. He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to "square-away" those around him who have not bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.Just as did his Father, Grandfather and Great Grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom.

Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is a United States Marine that has kept this country free for over 200 years.He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding. Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his sacrifice and commitment to duty, honor and country.

WHO'S FEEDING THE BABY?

Written August 05, 2008

Last week as I was praying. . .actually complaining, to God about my husband, "God, why doesn't he get this? Why doesn't he grow any faster in his walk with You? Why does he keep tripping up?" Yeah, I was griping! God spoke so clearly to me 2 questions that shook me to the core and had me in tears apologizing to God and my husband!! He said, "Andi, can a newborn babe feed itself? And if you stand a baby on it's feet to walk without teaching it how, and walk away, can you really be disappointed and look down on it for falling?" Two simple questions. With even simpler answers. 2 questions that have opened the door to a deeper study and an eye opening revelation of the state of the church!

WHAT HAPPENED TO TRUE DISCIPLESHIP? I remember when I first started in my walk with the Lord. There were so many people ready and willing to take the time to talk and study WITH me and feed me and eventually teach me how to feed myself the Word of God! Getting together was an almost daily thing. And definitely when I had a question or needed prayer, they were right there! It was prevalent in the church. People were excited about caring for and nurturing the "newborns". And the newborns eventually learned to hold their own bottle and feed themselves, and then they moved on to finger foods and well, you get the idea!

But as you look at a newborn baby, in all reality that baby is completely dependant on it's caregivers for everything! What happens to a newborn if you set a bottle down in front of it and say "Here ya go! Drink it!" and walk away? That baby has NO IDEA what to do with that bottle! Nor does it have the ability to even pick it up and try! Eventually that milk is going to spoil and that baby is going to starve! It is much the same when we throw a Bible or a study outline at a newborn Christian and say, "Here, study this!" WHAT? HOW?

For some reason we all think we are way too important and way to busy to sit down and hold the bottle in the baby's mouth! I remember when my children were infants. I made the decision to breastfeed all of them, and when they were hungry, it did not matter what I was doing at the time, or how "important" I thought it was, I had to STOP what I was doing and sit down with my baby and provide the nourishment it needed to grow. I may have been frustrated at first, especially if what I was doing, I thought was really important. But the second I sat down and began feeding them and looking into their eyes I knew my PRIMARY responsibility was to feed that baby, and I WANTED to!

If we don't feed the babies two major things happen. First they do not get the vital nutrients they need to grow and they get malnourished and sick and eventually die! Secondly, they lose a taste for the food, they lose their hunger!! Have you ever gone a long time without eating? I have. I was anorexic a few years ago, and after a few days I wasn't even hungry any more, and the smell and taste of food did not appeal to me at all. When we fail to properly and TIMELY feed the newborns, they will lose their taste for the food!! And then we stand back and wonder why they are not eating, why they are not looking for the food? Why they are not hungry? SERIOUSLY??

I believe God wants us to stand back and take a good long look at what we are REALLY doing to nurture the newborns and assure their success and growth in the Kingdom! Let's be honest, we are DROPPING THE BALL folks, and then we wonder why people are falling, and falling away!! IT IS OUR FAULT! Let's stop being so busy being BUSY and take care of the babies!! What you are doing is not THAT important!! NOT more important than feeding the babies!! NO ONE gives birth and walks away and expects that baby to survive!

Come on Church!! Thier survival depends on US! ALL OF US!!

WHAT THE VENTI??

Written February 07, 2008

OK, so I did it. . .today was the day. . .as many times as I swore I would not do it, I did! Standing at the counter at the Starbucks in my Kroger's store (yeah, amazing where these things pop up!), I ordered the largest coffee they have and actually said the word. . .Venti!! I swore for a long time I would never do that. I resisted with everything in me. . . "I'll have the largest you got." I'd say in a somewhat rebellious tone, as if even though I am drinking the coffee in the one-of-a-kind cups with the handy little sleeve, AND paying 4 bucks for it, I would still not join the ranks of those people who proudly parade themselves around with their to-go cups, looking more important than they are. But I said it!! The word that, by uttering it, somehow makes you an official part of this crazy 4-bucks-a-cup coffee drinkers "club". I just know it does! I never had a problem with their medium cup, a Grande'. . .I could say "Grande'" I mean any woman who has ever shopped for clothes outside of the junior department knows what that word is! But "Venti". . . ohhhhhh boy. . .

Let's go back a few years. About 10 years ago or maybe a little more, I was on a visit to a hospital to minister to a family whose loved one was having surgery. I had been to other hospitals in the area doing this work, but this one was new to me. As my ministry partner and I walked into the lobby, there it was! A coffee bar!! I had never seen one before! It resembled many of the bars (the drinking ones) I had been in years ago. The mirror behind a shelf full of big glass bottles with fancy labels, neon lights adding some allure to the place. I was a coffee drinker already, and was totally enthralled by what I was seeing. My friend asked me if I wanted to stop and get something. . . sure! Why not? I saw "Esspresso" on the menu and wondered if that meant they made it real fast, or you drink it real fast? My friend laughed and told me that it was just a strong kind of coffee. Stronger? HA! I was the one who added two extra scoops of Folgers to my coffee maker in the morning! I'll show you stronger!! So I got one! A DOUBLE! By the time we reached the patients room I had finished my coffee. We ministered to the family, prayed with them and headed back to the parking garage. I kept noticing that my friend was lagging behind me as we made our way down the long halls of the hospital. "Are you OK?" I asked her, "You are going kind of slow." She laughed at me and told me she would need to be running to keep up with my pace! "No, I'm not going that fast! Do you really think I am walking that fast? Because I thought you were walking slow and I was wondering why you were slowing down because I thought maybe you felt bad and if you felt bad all you had to do was tell me and I would slow down or we could stop and sit, or you could stop and sit and I could go get the car and . . . " My heart was absolutely racing!! I was going 100+ miles an hour!! On the way home I would have sworn that I could have gotten out of the car and ran faster than the car was going all the way home!!

To say the least that was my first and last experience with this unusual coffee world for years to come! Oh sure I had known folks who always had a gourmet coffee in their hand, but secretly laughed at them for having such a stupid obsession. I mean I experimented with it that day at the hospital and it didn't really do much for me except speed things up for a while.

Then about 6 months ago my husband and I picked up a cleaning contract with Barnes and Nobel. Well, little did I know that they had a cafe' in the bookstore which serves Starbucks coffee!! So, here and there I was offered coffees to try and it did not take long before I was hooked! Around the holidays I fell in love with the Peppermint Mocha. . .only to have my dreams dashed to pieces when Christmas passed and the Peppermint Mocha went back to wherever the special falvored coffees go when it is not their season. I mean, what is this?? It's not fruit or something!! It's a flavor for goodness sake!! (OK I might still be a little bitter). So, I went back to my Cafe' Mocha. Oh I tried the other flavors, but nothing captured my tastebuds like the Peppermint Mocha~till next Christmas my friend. . . .

OH! Err. . . .so anyway, The more time I spent around the cafe's and coffee bars, the more terminology I heard. . ."dirty chai". . . what's that? Do they drop your drink on the floor and suck it up? No, I found out it is a type of tea with a shot of espresso in it. . .Oh come on! Do you want coffee or tea? Make up your mind!! No way I will ever be one of THOSE people with all their terminology. Cafe' Mocha was good enough for me!! I also started hearing people call for double shots! SHOTS? What is this a bar?? Oh yeah. . . it kind of is, isn't it? TWO shots of espresso?? Ohhhhhohohohhhhooooo, I have been there and done tha! NO WAY I will ever do THAT again!! I remember the day I overheard an order that took my breath away. . .and apparantly it did the same for everyone in the Cafe', because every head turned to see who it was that made the order and there was a gasp in the crowd followed by a hush that would make a monk nervous! A dirty chai. . . QUAD SHOT!! Quad shot??? Who the heck does a quad shot?? I never knew anyone to do that with whiskey, let alone esspresso!! The woman must have grown used to the response because she turned to everyone around her and said, "I know, I know. . .it's for my husband." Hmmmm, but he was nowhere to be seen. . . Maybe he was climbing the walls somewhere in the bookstore??

Well, of course then I started getting "cravings" for the stuff. Like getting a "fix", I would send my husband down the street to Krogers to get me a Cafe' Mocha! I am guilty of contributing to getting my step-daughter hooked on Cinnamon Dolce' (which is dreamy by the way!)
Which brings us to today. The day it all became painfully real to me. . .when I went to the counter and ordered a "Venti" (that's french I think for "the biggest one you got!") I did not even think about it! It just slipped out before I could stop it! Like a runaway train headed for a cliff! Like a wild tornado out of control. . .I said it!! "Cafe' Mocha, Venti please."

sssscccrreeeeeeeccchhhhhh! Suddenly everything was in slow motion, I was hearing it over and over again in my mind, in MY voice!! My life flashed before my eyes. . .well, not my whole life, just the past 6 months of the downward Starbuck's spiral. . . How did I get here?!? How do I kick this thing?! It's bad when you start adding cocoa mix to your coffee because you can't get to a Starbucks!! I am not sure of the answer to that. . .but I do know one thing. . .I need a coffee! Anyone for Starbucks?

OOPS!

Written January 29, 2008

I ran into a few of those burned out brain cells last night!! One of my friends, Ronni called me and we talked for a while and I decided to get ready for bed while she was still telling me about her latest project. I set my coffee pot up for the morning, did all my nightly things like turning off lights and things. Then I began looking around for my cell phone to plug it in. I went from room to room, looking in all of the places I normally lay it down. After my second round through the house without finding it I started getting that "Where the heck is it?" feeling and looking a little more frantically. Upon my second trip into the bedroom my husband gets my attention and says, "What are you looking for?" Since Ronni was still talking I mouthed the words to him with the appropriate concerned facial expressions and flailing arms, "I can't find my cell phone!" He looked at me like I was really strange. "What?" I snapped, getting really frustrated at his lack of volunteering to help me. . . .To which he answered, "Ummmm, you are talking on it." Yeah, yeah, we all got a good laugh!! LOL!

RELEASE THE OFFENDER

Written July 12, 2007

Only God knows both sides of the story. The fears, the past wounds, the generational conditioning, the weaknesses, the insufficiencies of character and integrity. He knows the things that we failed to notice—the things that should have warned us to guard our hearts. Only God knows the hidden motives and unspoken regrets of the one who hurt you—their sickness, their brokenness.

The assumptions we make usually do more damage than the truth: "He doesn't even notice how much he hurt me!" "How could he be so cold?" "How could they just ignore my cries for help and walk away?" "Doesn't anyone see my pain?" Our imaginations can be unmerciful. Trust me, it's never what you think. Your guesses will always be more cruel than the reality of what really transpired, adding unnecessary injury to insult.

You must let it go. You need to forgive, not for the sake of the one who hurt or violated you—for your own. It's time to redirect your focus and move on. And you won't be able to do that if you continue to nurse and rehearse your anger, the many wrongs done against you, all the reasons why. If you can't forgive for your own sake, forgive for God's sake. He needs your hands open in order to bless you. Cooperate.

The one who wronged you does not deserve so much of your time, energy or attention. Your fixation is standing in the gap between that person and God, shielding him from conviction. Move out of the way. Free him to receive the proper correction from God. Free yourself to receive your healing. Forgive because you need to be forgiven. How can you expect what you are unable to give yourself! Forgive my dear sister, because you are not alone. We have all been prisoners of our unspoken pain and suffering.

So come and join us on the other side. Choose to forgive because it is what God requires of you, and it is what is best. He will help you to forgive from your heart and not just from your head. Ask Him for strength to release your offender, for to release him (or her) is to release yourself. Trust God to free you from your anger and your pain and from all the questions that continually assault your mind. Let Him speak words of comfort to you and assure you that He has taken heed to the things that have transpired. Although you may never forget what has happened, He will enable you to forgive even as He has forgiven you.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS. . .AND SO ARE THE RESULTS!

Written September 28, 2007

You know, all through life we have challenges, trials, things that try to crush our hearts and spirits, things that try to cause us to live in fear, anger, bitterness. . . ALL of these things are designed to get our eyes off of God and on to our SELVES. But I have made a discovery!!
IF we will keep our eyes on HIM. IF we will press in to a closer relationship and dependance on HIM. IF we will put our full focus on HIM. . .EVERY situation that is meant to try to pry us away from Him, even if only for a time to focus on our problems, anger, fears, etc. . . will fade in the beautiful light of HIS glory!! HE will remove all fear!! IF we choose to let go of all of our disappointments, anger, bitterness, broken dreams and let HIM have them, HE will come in and bring a healing to our hearts and minds so wonderful that we will be amazed at the pure love and compassion that will flow through our hearts toward even the ones who have caused our hurt!!
The key word here is IF!! The choice is ours. God sets before us life and death, blessing and cursing. There is no one else to blame in this world if we choose to hang on to things and our lives reap the consequesnces. "But I have a right to be mad, fearful, etc. . ." Well, you have a right to make that choice. Believe me, I have had so many opportunities in my life to be angry, injured, fearful, and I did for a long time!! I was molested as a child, beaten as a young mother and raped and gang raped and a number of other abuses throughout the years! I have had sickness ravage my body to the point where I feared for my life!! But every time, God placed before me a CHOICE. I could walk in love, forgiveness and place my trust in Him, and live my life set apart for Him, OR I could hang on to my hurt (and believe me I was hurt badly! TRAUMATIZED!) and live my life separated from God and His best for me.
I did not always make the right choice, and trust me, it took a toll on me emotionally, spiritually and even physically!! "For I see you are POISONED by bitterness and BOUND by iniquity." Acts 8:23 The word iniquity here is adikia, which means misdeeds, injustice, moral wrongdoing, unjust acts, unrighteousness. It is the opposite of truthfulness, faithfulness and rightness. Unforgiveness can lead us down paths we would never have imagined we would travel. But forgiving others (Which is a COMMAND from God REGARDLESS of the offense!) will flush the poison of bitterness out of your body, mind and spirit!! He wants us healthy in every aspect of our lives and He knows full well the damage bitterness and unforgiveness can do!!
I am here to tell you first hand, this is no easy task!! I am challenged by it often!! And so many times I think "Surely God, You know that this time I have a right to be mad and hurt, and surely You see the injustice here!" But He is not looking for us to give Him our excuses as to why we are not choosing LIFE!! He gave us His Word, He has laid the choice before us and even tells us which one to choose!! It is never easy, but when we turn our hearts and minds toward God, HE will carry us through it to a place where we know our hearts and minds are free from the poisoning effects of unforgiveness and anger and bitterness.
When you are hurt, slandered, lied about, put down, abused, you have a choice!! You can walk the path that God has placed before you that guarantees healing and victory, OR you can choose to hang on, feed the fire, and be misierable. But be aware of this one thing. . .there is NO middle ground here! NO fence riding!! No walking closely with God AND walking in unforgiveness!! Listen to the words of Jesus - Matt. 6:15 - But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins; leaving them, letting them go and giving up on resentment], NEITHER WILL YOUR FATHER FORGIVE YOU YOUR TRESPASSES. (Amplified)
That is pretty straightforward, He leaves no room for excuses! His standards are not blurry, they are pretty clear. Thank God when we choose to walk in the way He has shown us, He does not expect us to do it alone!! He is right there to help us!! Every step of the way! He is not a harsh and heavy taskmaster, He is a loving Father who knows what effect these things can have on our lives and how much they can steal from us in every area of our lives!! He wants the best for us, which is why when He tells us to choose, He also shows us how to choose the best thing for us to give us a happy and healthy life!
After doing this study I find this a necessary thing. . .to examine my heart daily and make sure that I am not holding on to anything that will make me sick spiritually, physically or emotionally!! I want the life God has for me! So, I CHOOSE to do it His way!! The way of LIFE!!

OUTSIDE THE BOX

When thinking of the "box", I am reminded of an issue God had dealt with me on a few months back, but it is a little different take on the subject here of the "box".
One Sunday morning before church I was home in my living room praying for the service and God clearly spoke to me saying, "Take ME out of the box!" I thought, "Lord, I am NOT a religious person, I have a very real relationship with you, I don't go through all of the formalities and rituals of traditional religion." But what He showed me was that even if we call ourselves "contemporary" Christians, or we attend "spirit-filled" churches, if we are not VERY careful, we build our box around God according to how we think our services should go. We limit the Holy Spirit by our programs. No, our bulletins do not contain a schedule of how our services with be conducted, that would be too traditional. . .but I bet most of us could write that bulletin and step-by-step describe how the service is going to go. We tend to become comfortable in our way of doing things, and in thus doing, we "box" God in and limit Him to only doing what we will allow and what we are comfortable with. That is all the same from a traditional, ritualistic ceremony in a stained glass sanctuary, to the contemporary, biker, "all are welcome" type church, and even to the "spirit-filled", pentecostal type church. I thought of myself as the furthest thing from traditional, until God spoke to me that morning and told me that we are continually building traditions and conducting services the way we think they should go, whether our traditions are considered contemporary or not. We are putting God in a box! If we could only tear the lid off of that box and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in every area, every service, every prayer time, every time of worship. . .WOW! What amazing things we will begin to see from the hand of God!
I can remember a time about 10 years ago when I would get butterflies in my stomach on my way to church in anticipation of what God was going to do! I went to a church where the Holy Spirit had full reign, and there wasn't a Sunday that passed that I did not leave changed and touched by the teaching and ministry that was brought forth by the Spirit of God! But even that church got complacent, and put God in a box without even knowing it!
I have finally found a place where I am now that I am once again getting excited in anticiaption, wondering what God is going to do! I enter my prayer time and time in the Word with the same attitude of heart. HE is in control!
I have found it takes a concerted effort to keep God out of the box! It is our human nature to find some kind of comfort area for everything in our lives. But if we focus and determine to follow God and take the limitations off of Him, what amazingly glorious things we will see and experience!! Remember, the Holy Spirit is a gentleman, He will not push where He is not welcome to do so.
It just dawned on me that if we can keep ourselves from putting God in that box, the rest of our lives will follow suit and we will naturally, as followers of Him, not be limited to the "box" either!

ALL I NEED IS YOU!

Originally posted Dec. 30, 2007


OK, so I have had quite a few opportunities lately to share my testimony of how God set me free from an addiction to nicotine. . .so I thought now would be a good time to blog it. As many of you know, and some of you may not know, nicotine is more addictive than heroine. So kicking it is extremely hard. For me, it was impossible. I know, I tried many times. I even tried a six week on-line program offered by the American Lung Association. Didn't work for me. BUT, there is a God Who makes impossibilities become reality and I call Him Daddy!! He is my God and I am about to tell you what He can do!

On June 25th of 2006 I was in a church service at my church, AHOP in Xenia. It was a day just like any other Sunday. Worship was rockin as usual! But suddenly, I felt God speaking to my heart. "Take your cigarettes out of your purse and give them to Pastor Mark." Who happened to be worshipping just 5 feet from where I was. It was so clear it startled me! I thought to myself that it couldn't be God asking me to do that. After all He knows I tried and tried to give them up. "I said, 'Take your cigarettes out of your purse and give them to Pastor Mark.'" Oh boy! Now I KNEW it was God because my heart was about to pound out of my chest and I could not ignore it!
SO, I decided to try to "reason" with God "God, You know I would love to be able to quit, but I've tried. And if I hand Mark my smokes, as soon as I get out of here I am gonna be a hypocrite because I know I will want one so badly, and I won't be able to resist the addiction. . .especially since my husband smokes too." Good argument huh? Yeah, it didn't work with God!! "Take your cigarettes out of your purse and hand them to Pastor Mark." He wasn't budging. I thought I had come up with some pretty solid arguments, but He wasn't seeing things my way!
I must have argued with Him through 2 or 3 songs. . .yeah, I knew my addiction and the power it had over me, I just didn't KNOW the power of my GOD! Then the worship team began to sing a song called "All I Need Is You", originally recorded by Hillsong United. Then God really began to minister to me.
"You know Andi, I love you, and I want you free from this addiction that is killing you and stealing your money. I understand you cannot do it yourself, and I don't expect you to. I need you to trust Me. I am all you need Andi. You don't need those cigarettes, and if you will give them to Pasor Mark like I am asking you to, I will set you free. You will never want one again!"
That was it! If I know anything in this life it is that I can completely trust my Father! I turned and unzipped my purse and grabbed the pack out of it. Frank looked at me like, "WHAT are you doing?" I just smiled at him and turned toward my pastor and walked over and put my pack of cigarettes on his chest, holding them there with one finger, looked him in his eyes and said, "I don't need these anymore Pastor Mark! HE is all I need!" He smiled and took the cigarettes and put them in his shirt pocket and hugged me and gave me a big high 5!! I went back to my seat and worshipped God with all my heart!
Once worship was coming to a close, Pastor Mark went to the stage and shared with everyone what I had just done. . . the place absolutely ERUPTED in praise!! The band continued to play. He threw the cigarettes on the ground and stomped on them, then threw them in the aisle and invited anyone with addictions, life controlling problems or any area in their life where they needed to put the devil under their feet, to come up and as a symbol to God and the devil stomp on those cigarettes and claim victory over whatever it is they are going through!! People began coming up one at a time faster and faster until their was a line of people waiting. The band played and played songs of praise and worship, people got out of their seats and worshipped, there were people all over the auditorium praying for one another. Some were weeping and some were shouting. People were being set free from all kinds of things!! This went on for two hours!! And the aisle filled up with cigarette packs! Pastor Mark never preached that day. . .as he put it, he "stepped aside and GOD preached!" What an amazing day that was!! So many people came and thanked me for being obedient to what God said. That one little act of obedience cut the place loose in God and He moved in such an amazing way!! People were changed that day, never to be the same. I know I was!
Maybe you are wondering what happened after the service when I walked out of the building and went home. NOTHING!! That's right, not even once since that day have I EVER even had the smallest incling of a desire for a cigarette!! As a matter of fact the smell makes me sick to my stomach and gives me headaches! I think God did that to keep me free from that addiction ever coming back!!
Now that song is a special love song between me and my God! It's "our song".
Yes, freedom feels great!!!

GOING HOME!

Written March 11, 2007

I received this e-mail today from my friend Jeanne in Cahokia, Illinois. A very close friend of ours from church passed away a few weeks ago, Cindy Pennington. I was unable to travel to her funeral because of work, but I was not aware of this amazing event until Jeanne sent me this e-mail today. I remember Mr. Braun from funerals I had attended during my time in Cahokia, and he is definitely all business as she says. Read and be blessed and encouraged!!

Andi


Dear Family & Friends,

I would like to share with you the passing of my friend, Cindy Pennington. She passed away Saturday ,February 24, departing this life to go home to be with the Lord. She loved the Lord with all her heart. A rare cancer had debilitated her and she had hospice at home the last couple of weeks.
The story I want to tell you was told by the funeral director of Braun Colonial Funeral Home here in Cahokia. Anyone familiar with Mr. Braun knows he is very professional, carefully efficient and unemotional in all his duties. All the essential qualities of an undertaker, practical and all business. This however was about to change. The Saturday Cindy died, her husband Bob had called Mr. Braun to take Cindy to the funeral parlor and prepare her body for viewing. When the undertaker arrived, he entered the room to find the hospice bed empty, but over on the couch was Cindy with two women, one sitting on each side of her. Cindy sat there with her head on one of the ladies' shoulders. He thought how odd this was. How very strange indeed! When he turned around to talk to Bob who was by the hospice bed, he looked at the bed and there lie Cindy, dead in the bed. Looking back, the couch was empty and the women were no where to be found. He was visibly shaken by this event, remarking that, in all his years, he had never experienced such a sight! I know he had witnessed a glorious glimpse into eternity: the homecoming of one of God's children... Angels sent to bring Cindy home.This was a heavenly witness to the funeral director, who solemnly told the tale with wavering voice as he was moved to tears... Cindy went home to be with the Lord! I wont say she's finally at peace because she found the Prince of Peace long before that. God is real and his Son, Jesus, died on the cross for your sins. To know Him is to have the greatest gift! We who know the Lord have the promise of going to be with Him in heaven. I say to all of you who know Jesus Christ as your personal savior, never stop talking of Him! Tell your parents, husbands, wives, children, nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends. Don't be ashamed of the gospel.
Never stop talking about Him... Even when people who you love or don't even know, think you're just a religious nut. Remember you are not alone because He has sent His angels to watch over you. You are an heir of salvation! Never stop... Keep praying for your loved ones! Parents remember, there is much truth in the parable of the prodigal son ( or daughter). They will come home.

WHO IS JESUS?

"Who is Jesus?" You ask? Well, let me tell you who He is to me!
He is not just a baby laying in a manger; He is not just the man hanging on a cross. He is my Friend, my BEST Friend! He is NOT a list of rules and regulations; He is LOVE. Ultimate, passionate, unconditional LOVE.
He is not stuffy, uncool, or a party pooper. . . He IS the party! He is the dance in my feet, the shout in my voice, the smile on my face, the pure joy in my heart!
He is the One who when I walked away from Him, refused to let me go! I ran from Him into the bars, into adultry, into drugs and alcohol. . . I was lost! But He not only waited for me with open arms for my return. . .He CHASED me!! Everywhere I went He was there; protecting me, crying for me, desperately wanting me back in His arms! Not so He could control me. . . .ohhh no, He is not that kind of love. . . He is pure love, He wants me to have the BEST and most fulfilling and happy life! He wants to shower me with His gifts and hold me in His arms!
He is the filler of the gap! What is the gap? That hole in your heart. The one we all try to fill with more drinks, more sex, more shopping, more toys, more clothes, more shoes. . . the list goes on and on. . . but that hole never gets filled with those things. It is never enough! We still search for the thing that will complete us, fill that hole in our hearts. But it is still there, no matter how much we have.
Only HE can fill that hole! It is like a puzle piece that is missing in our lives and everything we try just does not fit in that space. That's because HE is the missing piece and only He can fill the space! And boy does He!!
It doesn't matter if I have money or not, it doesn't matter if I drive a nice car or not, or what kind of neighborhood I live in, or what clothes I wear. . .I am happy! Because I have Jesus!
He rocks my world! He amazes me every day with His love for me!
And you know, He loves you too!! He wants to wrap His arms around you and love on you! He wants to be a Father, Brother and Friend to you. He is chasing you my friend!! Stop running, and let Him love you like you have never been loved before! Talk to Him, it is as easy as talking to a friend. You don't have to know fancy words or phrases. To be quite honest, He doesn't really like that much, He would rather hear your heart! He would rather you talk yo Him as a friend, because that is who He wants to be to you! The best friend you will ever have!
Just ask Him to come into your heart and life. Ask Him to show you Himself, and to show you the right place to go and learn more about Him. Ask Him to forgive you for all the stupid junk in your life that you did trying to fill that hole. He knows. He knows you were just trying to fill that space where He belongs. He understands that everything left you empty. . . it was supposed to!! Because He knew eventually you would be ready to let Him fill it for you, and eventually someone would introduce you to Him and you wouldn't have to search any more!
You know the one awesome thing I found out about Him? No matter how long we live, even when we are living for Him, we are gonna screw up, we are gonna fall back, but the great thing is, He doesn't look at us in shame and shake His head. . .nope. . . religion teaches that, but it is so far from the truth. He looks down at us as we lay on the ground getting messed up in the mudpuddle of whatever it is, and He smiles, leans down and reaches His hand down to us to help us back up. He washes the dirt and grime off of us and then holds our hand and keeps walking with us. He fully knows something will distract our attention and we will let go of His hand again and wind up on the ground. . . again. And He fully knows He will be right there, still smiling, still holding out His hand to lift us back up. I have found out that it is not about being perfect, or looking a certain way or talking a certain way. Religion wants to teach you that. They want to hand you a set of rules. . .cut your hair, wear these clothes, talk this lingo, follow MY rules! Yeah. . .right! I can see why Jesus hated religion when He was here on this earth! It hurt people, it led them away from who He really was. It gave people a completely wrong perception of God. The most awesome thing about Him? He loves you exactly right where you are right now. No, I mean He REALLY, PASSIONATELY loves you where you are right now! That is an amazing love!! We don't have to clean up and get our lives straight before we can walk in a church and live a Christian life. We live a Christian life while HE cleans us up! And that "cleaning up" takes a lifetime!! I have learned to relax and let God be God. I used to beat myself up all the time. I didn't read the Bible enough, I didn't pray enough, I wasn't involved enough. . . blah, blah, blah. . . He is concerned with your heart. Not your outward performance!! Once your heart is on track, it will show on the outside. There will be changes. . . but NOT perfection! If we can absorb that and give ourselves a friggin break, we can relax and enjoy this relationship with Him like He meant us to!
He loves you more than you could fathom!! He gave His life, let Himself be beaten and bloody, and let the people kill Him, so that you could know Him. His death on the cross was so that you could have the opportunity to go to Heaven and not Hell. But not just that. . .it was so that you could know Him, intimately. I am telling you, He will blow your mind! He will rock your world! Just give Him a chance, you'll see!!